If I Didn't Have You
by trace619
Summary: A/O song-fic based on Secrets Exhumed, & the song If I Didn't Have You. Olivia comes home after a difficult case, wondering why she bothers anymore , & how she could make it through another case. When she comes home she sees the reason she continues on. One-shot.


So I'm making an attempt at a second story, and a song-fic at that. This is based on the season 14 episode Secrets Exhumed and the song If I Didn't Have You by Thompson Square. I own nothing and no infringement is intended. Please read and review.

* * *

_Sometimes it feels like I'm gonna break_

_Sometimes this world gives more than I can take_

_Sometimes sunshine gets lost in the rain_

_And it keeps pouring down, it just keeps coming down_

Drained. That was the only way Olivia could describe how she felt. It had been one of those cases. She had just watched someone whom she liked and respected, someone she counted as a friend, be arrested for murder. She knew what Dana had done was wrong, and yet there was a small part of her that felt sorry for the woman.

Olivia walked out of the precinct to her car and prayed that traffic wouldn't be too heavy she just wanted to go home, wash the day off and climb into bed. She played what Dana had said in the interrogation room over and over again. 'I am just like you. I have dedicated my entire life to justice and doing good in the world, you know me'. Those words in particular, she was hearing them over and over it was like it was stuck on replay in her mind.

She made her way into the upper west side apartment building saying hello to Ben the night doorman. She made her way to the elevator and let her head rest against the wall as the doors closed. She thought about how it seemed like every case took a little more out of her; there was always another victim, another person who was having their life stolen from them. And now not only was it another case but it revolved around someone she respected. A friend had committed murder. As the elevator stopped and she made her way to her door Olivia couldn't help but think how much more could she take? She sometimes thought this job would be the death of her. She opened the apartment door and made her way inside. As she entered the living room she saw the reason she was able to get up every morning and do it all over again.

Alex looked up and smiled when she saw Olivia enter the room "Hey baby" Alex said as she stood up wrapping her arms around Olivia and giving her a kiss on the lips.

"Hey" Olivia said her voice and demeanor giving away exactly how exhausted she was.

Alex took Olivia's hand and pulled her down on the couch next to her and pulling her close. She knew Olivia needed time to process and decompress after a difficult case. While she knew some of the specifics of this case, she didn't know how things had gone today. She had a feeling it had not went well based solely on the fact that Olivia was clinging to her like a life preserver. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes, no…ugh just not right now. Is that ok?" Olivia sighed. She did want to talk to Alex, to talk about what happened she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Of course it's okay, baby" Alex said as she kissed the top of Olivia's head. "How about I run you a nice hot bath and let you relax for a while? Then if you want to we can talk."

"Ok"

Alex pulled Olivia to her feet and down the hall to their bedroom. She sat Olivia on the edge of the bed while she went to prepare Olivia's bath. When it was ready she took Olivia by the hand and led her into the bathroom. She undressed Olivia and helped her into the tub. She lit a few candles then dimmed the lights. As she was about to walk out the door she heard Olivia call out to her "Do you not want to get in too?"

"I would love to, but you need to relax. If we're both in there you probably won't. Just relax; I'll be waiting when you're done. If you need anything just let me know." Alex walked over and leaned in to kiss Olivia "I love you"

"I love you too" Olivia said as she watched Alex leave the room.

Nearly an hour later Olivia made her way into the living room wearing a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt, looking a little less stressed than when she had first came home. "Thank you" she said as she sat down next to Alex and kissed her passionately.

"You never need to thank me" Alex said as they separated. She pulled Olivia over until she was lying down with her head on Alex's lap and began running her fingers through her hair. "Do you feel like telling me what happened today?"

"Dana killed her. We arrested her this evening" Olivia said with a sigh.

Alex's hand stilled for a moment "Oh…oh my. Why did she do it?"

"Long story short she had been in love years ago and got pregnant. He asked her to have an abortion which she did. She then finds out that he got the victim pregnant and when he found out she was pregnant he proposed to her. Dana went to talk to her and one thing led to another and she killed her, then she staged the crime scene so it would point to someone else"

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, both processing what had been said. Olivia lay there thinking about how glad she was to have Alex to come home to. She hated to think about all the years she went home after a case and had to sit in her apartment alone while it weighed on her. Now she had Alex holding her, loving her, helping her through it. She looked up at Alex, taking a deep breath before beginning. "She said I was just like her Alex"

Alex looked down at her with a puzzled look "What do you mean you're just like her?"

"She said I was just like her, that I had dedicated my life to justice. I think the reason she did so was because she was trying to make amends for what she did, to ease her conscience. Do you think that's why I've worked so hard? That I'm trying to make amends for what my father did?" Olivia said with tears welling up in her eyes.

"No baby that's not the reason. You have dedicated your life to getting justice for people like your Mom, and to take people like your father off the street. And that is one of the many reasons I love you"

_This life would kill me if I didn't have you_

_I couldn't live without you, baby, I wouldn't want to_

_If you didn't love me so much, I'd never make it through_

_Cause this life would kill me_

_This life would kill me if I didn't have you_

"I don't know what I'd do without you Alex"

"Well lucky for you you'll never have to find out, because I have no intentions of going anywhere" Alex said with a smile. She had left Olivia before, once out of fear for her own life. When she finally returned to her life she swore she'd live her life the way she wanted to, and she and Olivia began dating soon after. She left Olivia a second time because she thought that was what she was supposed to do. While she felt she had made a difference she knew her place was back in New York with Olivia, she had been home ever since.

"I'm glad" Olivia said, she sighed trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to say. "This job Alex, it just seems to get more difficult every day. I sometimes wonder how I'm going to make it through, but then I came home and saw you and realized that's how I make it. I sometimes wonder why you put up with me; love me as much as you do, why you stick around."

Alex put her hand on Olivia's cheek and looked into her eyes while trying to hold the tears at bay "I have loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you Olivia Benson and I'll love you till the day I die. If I didn't I wouldn't have asked you to marry me would I? And I wouldn't have showed up at the alter either" Alex said with a smile.

Olivia smiled back with tears in her eyes "No I guess not"

Alex grinned and laid her hand on her stomach, rubbing the bump that was becoming bigger and bigger with every passing day "Besides this little one needs to have his mommies together, and the little one in there" Alex said pointing down the hall "Would have a fit if she wasn't able to see you every day"

Olivia smiled, thinking about her daughter sleeping down the hall, and her son who was growing inside Alex's belly.

"And speak of the devil" Alex said nodding her head, motioning for Olivia to look in the same direction.

Olivia turned her head away from her wife's belly to see a miniature version of herself, with matching brown eyes, looking back at her.

Olivia reached out ruffling her daughters hair "Hey Lily bell, what are you doing up?"

Lily reached out and touched her mother's cheek "Why you crying Mommy?"

Olivia chuckled "Mommy's not crying baby, I'm just happy to be home with you and Mama" She lifted her daughter up and sat her on her stomach.

"But you crying Mommy" Lily said with a quizzical look

Olivia and Alex both laughed. Two year old Lily Riane Benson may be the miniature version of Olivia but for a child who had no biological connection to Alex, Olivia couldn't believe how much her daughter was like Alex.

Alex put her hand on her daughter's leg "Sweetie Mommy was crying but she was crying because she is happy, their called happy tears"

Lily seemed to accept that explanation "Okay Mama. Is the baby wake Mama?" Lily was fascinated with the idea of having a baby brother, even more so by the fact that he was inside Alex's belly, however both Olivia and Alex were sure that would change after he was born.

Alex smiled, recognizing her daughter's attempt to stay up, she took Lily's hand a put it on the spot where she had just felt her son moving. "He was a minute ago I think he was waiting for his Mommy to get home too"

Lily squealed and clapped her hands when she felt the baby move; this had become her favorite activity as well as Olivia's. For Alex it was the best part of the day to have her wife and daughter curled up on the couch with her, and in a few weeks she would have their son curled up with them too. Alex couldn't help but laugh when her daughter jerked her head away from her belly where it had been resting. "Mama, Jonafen hit me!"

Olivia laughed as she realized she was getting a glimpse of her future. She had no doubt that little Jonathan Alexander Benson would be a handful as well, especially if he turned out anything like Alex. They had used the same donor for both their children. Alex had carried Lily, but biologically she was Olivia's, and Jonathan was Alex's. Even though she knew she wouldn't have a biological connection to her son it didn't matter, she already loved him as much as she loved Lily. Olivia pulled her daughter to her and kissed her forehead "Lily bell its way past your bedtime. Come on let's get you back in bed"

"Okay Mommy. Will you tuck me in?"

"Of course baby" Olivia said as she picked her daughter up and carried her to bed. When she left Lily's room Alex was waiting in the hall for her.

"You need to eat"

"No, I'm fine"

"Olivia I know you and I know how you don't eat when you're on a case like this. I know for a fact the only thing you ate this morning was the piece of toast that Lily insisted you eat. And I'm willing to bet you haven't had more than coffee and something from the vending machine the rest of the day. Am I right?"

"As usual you are right" They both smiled at that. "But honestly Alex I don't think I can stay awake long enough to fix something and eat too"

"Okay one you don't need to fix anything I've already warmed the plated I saved you from dinner and two if you can't feed yourself I can feed you, lord knows I've fed Lily half asleep a thousand times"

Olivia smiled "We both have"

When she finished Olivia went to clean up but Alex stopped her telling her it could wait till morning. Alex took Olivia's hand and pulled her down the hall toward their bedroom. They stopped on their way to look in on Lily one last time. With the horrors they both saw in their job neither could sleep till they were certain their daughter was safe in her bed. They went about their nightly routine and Olivia couldn't help but smile as Alex pulled on one of her sleep shirt that seemed to be tighter than it was that morning. "You know you could always sleep without a shirt on" Olivia said as she pulled on her shirt.

"Oh ha ha. Like you're recommending that for my sake, I know you Detective Benson and I know you said that for your benefit. In case you haven't noticed I'm as big as a house and walking is now a major feat, so whatever you are thinking is out of the question" Alex said with a laugh as she climbed in and tried to get comfortable.

"No need to worry about that, I think I'm too tired to try anything tonight. I just like feeling your skin against mine" Olivia said with a yawn.

Olivia waited till Alex was comfortable and then curled up behind her, wrapping her left arm around her wife and began rubbing her belly. Alex turned her head back to give Olivia a good night kiss. It was long, slow and sweet but at the same time Olivia felt the passion and love that Alex had for her. "Night, I love you"

"Night, I love you too" Olivia replied when she was able to catch her breath. Olivia laid there thinking about her life as Alex fell asleep. She couldn't help but think how different her life would be without Alex in it, she couldn't even remember her life before Alex and their daughter. She knew that as difficult her job was, and even though it felt like it was becoming even more unbearable she knew she could face anything as long as Alex was at her side. Today was one of those cases' that truly felt like it would kill her, but as always Alex would help ground her. As Olivia began drifting off she reflected on how happy she was and how much she loved her life; and as she felt her son kicking, following the movement of her hand, she knew it was only going to get better.

* * *

Epilogue

Two weeks later Olivia sat on the edge of the hospital bed watching Alex nurse their son. Alex's water had broken at home the night before and they barely made it to the hospital in time, Alex was in labor for a total of three hours, unlike the twenty hours with Lily. Yes little Jonathan Benson was just like his Mama Olivia decided, he definitely made an entrance. Olivia smiled and reached out to stroke her sons check as he released his hold on Alex's breast.

"You want to burp him?" Alex asked, her voice giving away how tired she really was.

"I'd love to" Olivia replied. A small part of her worried she wouldn't feel the same connection with him that she felt with Lily since there was no biological connection between them. However her mind was put to rest the first time she held her son and he burrowed himself against her chest, it was as though he knew she was his Mommy. She had just finished burping and changing him when the door opened and a two year old ball of energy burst through.

"Mommy, Mama!" Lily squealed as she saw her mommies for the first time since the evening before.

"I'm sorry, I tried to stop her" Amanda said, helping Lily up onto the bed so she could hug her mothers.

"Don't worry about it. Thank you so much for being able to take her on such short notice" Alex said as she hugged her daughter.

"No problem, it was fun. I'm just glad I've learned how Liv is in the morning over the last couple years, because this little one is exactly like her Mommy" Amanda said with a laugh.

"Hey now!" Olivia said with a laugh, but fully ready to acknowledge that her daughter was indeed exactly like her, in looks and actions. They talked for a few more minutes before Amanda left to give the family time to get acquainted with its newest member. She had promised to come back in a few hours to pick Lily up and stay the night with her again, but not before taking Olivia's phone and taking a picture of the Benson family with their newest member.

Olivia sat starring at her son, memorizing his features. She looked over when she felt Alex's hand on her arm, Lily was curled up asleep between them and Jonathan was asleep in Olivia's arms. Olivia leaned in to kiss Alex; it was a deep, passionate, soul searching kiss. "I love you" she said as she pulled back.

"I love you too" Alex said before laying her head on Olivia's shoulder to look at her son.

Olivia glanced over her family thinking how this was her reason for getting up in the morning. This was her reason for going to work. No matter how difficult it was, no matter how many times she was convinced she couldn't take anymore, this was her reason to keep pushing on. She wanted to spare her family from ever seeing or being subjected to the horrors she saw daily. Yes sitting here in this hospital bed was her three reasons for living, and she wouldn't have it any other way.


End file.
